“Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.” (Colossians 3:15 NLT)
It catches my attention to realize the same author to whom the Lord gave insight to write the words of Colossians 1:15ff about the grandeur and majesty of Jesus, also inspired the words of the verse above.
It occurs to me that had I understood when I was first married what I understand today about ministry and marriage, I believe I would never have been divorced. Either that or I would never have been married. Paul understood the tension between the two, thus the reason he chose to stay single and encouraged others to stay single as well.
Does that mean I don’t love my wife and love being married to her? Of course I do, but it has cost me and her, and it will cost you. There’s a delicate balance between Christian ministry and marriage and most of us don’t count the cost before rushing into ministry or marriage.
Dan Reiland gives us insight when he wrote: “Marriage relationships should always take priority over church careers.” That wasn’t explained to me when I began my ministry. I learned from what I saw other Pastors doing – loving their families second or third, behind the church and “God’s people.”
The Treasurer of the first church I pastored gave me some sound advice. She said we don’t give “weeks off,” we give “Sundays off.” She further instructed: “Leave for vacation on Monday morning and don’t return until the following Saturday night. That way you get almost two weeks off for every Sunday off.” Sound advice that I followed (when I could afford it😊).
That sounded good in theory, but I rarely had enough time or money to pull it off. But I appreciated her thoughtfulness. Neither did I have the courage to risk asking if the rest of the Board members felt the same way. 😊
The point is, not many people who attend small churches, or any churches for that matter, help their pastors to understand that their families are their top priority. Remember, I have Alzheimer’s, but I don’t ever remember any of my parishioners telling me: “If I need you and you’re busy with your family, just let me know when you’re free.”
Among the low points of my “ministry” was a fringe attender who called me on my birthday and asked me to take him to a doctor’s appointment. At that point I didn’t understand things like I do now and felt it was my duty as a Pastor to put the needs of my “people” ahead of my own and my family. So, though I was just sitting down to a wonderful dinner my wife prepared especially for me, and much to my chagrin, I took him to the appointment, and I’ve never forgiven myself for that.
Was that the final “nail” in the coffin of my marriage? I don’t know, but what I do know is it seemed after that my wife let me know much more often how much she hated being a Pastor’s wife. I felt her pain and often wasn’t very happy myself being a Pastor.
Why am I dumping this on you? For two reasons. First, if you are in ministry, please understand your family IS your ministry! And, secondly, if you attend, especially a small church, help your Pastor know their family needs to be first, not the church. The Pastor’s ministry to the church will only be as good as he feels about his role as husband and father or wife and mother for the women who have been called to that role.
And yes, of course, ministry has changed a lot, and younger pastors are a lot smarter than I was, but they still feel the pressure to “perform well for the brethren.”
Food for thought.
Blessings, Ed 😊
Walking With Jesus 